Mistakes. You know, there's a beautiful verse in Psalms that says God casts our sin as far as the east is from the west. There's also a great song based on the passage. I often think about God like He's a baseball player, winding up for the pitch and sending my mistakes flying. Home run. It makes me blurry-eyed to think that He loves me so, so much that He would forget those moments when I turned away from Him, ignored Him, and hurt Him. Why does God care so much about me? And why, when He is so willing to let go of my mistakes, am I so willing to hold onto them?
Plans. Jeremiah 29 contains a few verses that I've been aware of my entire life. I hear sermons and read devotionals about how God's plans are better than my plans. Give me a few names from the Bible and I can tell you stories about people whose plans were insignificant compared to the plans of God. Abraham planned to sacrifice his son on an altar, but God planned to see that son grow up and have sons of his own. Joseph planned to spend his last days in a dank prison, but God planned for him to lead Egypt. Moses planned to run away from his birthplace, but God planned for him to go back and rescue his people. Mary planned to live a common life with a husband and a few kids, but God planned for her to give birth to His Son. Paul planned to destroy Christianity, but God planned for him to preach Jesus to the world. God's plans are always better.
Future. Still, I can't seem to let go of these hopes I have for myself, these plans that I've made. They range from common to pretty outrageous. One plan/dream/hope is marriage. That's not out of the norm for most people, I guess. Another dream of mine is to travel the world providing health care to those who need it the most. Maybe that isn't outrageous, but it's heading that direction. Even without trying to, I end up mapping out the next 10 or so years of my life, wondering how I'll fit all of these desires into the mix. I know it's a waste of time, because things will inevitably happen to thwart my plans. Ten years ago I had dreams about where I would be today.What my nine-year-old self thought my nineteen-year-old self would be doing did not come true (which is probably a good thing). If I could only let go and really trust that God knows what He's doing in my life, then maybe my sore back and furrowed brow could relax a bit. (Okay, I'm reminded of another song.)
This is deep. It's the deepest emotion and internal struggle I've dealt with in all of my life, and maybe a blog isn't the place to share about it. But something tells me that I'm not the only one struggling with letting go. Because the struggle to let go is the struggle to trust God, and that's a struggle as old as Adam and Eve. Maybe their choice to partake of a good-looking apple was less about the juicy deliciousness and more about trust: trust that God knew best and that His plans were better than their own.
Trust. I'm pretty sure trusting God would be a whole lot easier if He was standing right in front of me. Then I could look Him in the eye and see if He's for real. "What love is this, that You gave Your life for me?" But He is right in front of me, isn't He? I can see Him when I watch the wind ruffle the leaves in the trees. I can feel Him when my mom holds me tight in her arms and rocks me like I'm still a little kid. I can hear Him when I play a song on my iPod or listen to an interesting lecture in class. If I really look, I can see all that He has done and all that He is doing in my life and in others' lives. Isn't that a very good reason to trust?
I can't solve this in one night. I'm pretty sure that this kind of problem is life-long. Over the past few days I've been praying about letting go, and one by one I'm releasing my death-grip and handing things over to God. I'm letting go. And you know what? The more I let go, the more I feel safe. I always thought holding on to the things I worry about would give me some kind of security, but it only made me more fearful and stressed. The thing is, I'm just this imperfect human who can't even remember to brush her teeth in the morning. But God, He's huge, and He's perfect. And He loves me. Only He can handle my problems, my fears, my mistakes, and my future.
1 comment(s):
Girl, this is great. Thanks. I needed this.
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