I'm tired of trying medicines and finding that the side effects are much worse than the perceived benefits. I'm tired of feeling so physically exhausted that even the miniscule exercises my physical therapist assigns me make me feel like I've just run a marathon. I'm upset that hitting the minimum mark in school actually makes me happy. I don't feel like this is me, but then I look in the mirror and realize that oh, this is me.
It's hard not to dwell on the Why? question. I can say that I have noticed more hurting people in the past month than I have probably noticed in my whole life. Everyone is fighting a hard battle. Everyone. I don't think I've spoken to one person who isn't in some way dealing with a crisis in their lives. For a while I tried to tell myself that so many people have it so much worse than me that I shouldn't complain. But this struggle is big to me, and I know that God sees that even as he sees those who are facing comparatively worse things like cancer and starvation.
I'm not giving up. I'm just particularly tired of everything today, and that sort of comes across as hopelessness. But I'm not hopeless, because I know God is still listening to me. I don't get any of it yet, but I am trusting God more. I don't worry about the future anymore; instead, I spend my time praying that God will help me make it through the next lecture, clinical, or ordinary day. I'm learning how to be less independent and more dependent on God and my family. I'm learning to deal with the unexpected, and that's a pretty huge thing for me.
"Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God's Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don't know how or what to pray, it doesn't matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves."